After the loss of a child, many grieving mothers find themselves trapped in a cycle of "What if" questions. What if I had done something differently? What if I had seen the warning signs? What if I could have prevented this? These questions, though natural, often lead us down a path of guilt, self-blame, and despair. But there’s another question that holds the potential to change the course of our grief journey: What now?
Why Do We Ask “What If” After Child Loss?
The “What if” questions arise because our brains are wired to seek logic and order in chaos. Grief challenges this need for clarity, forcing us into a space where nothing makes sense. Asking "What if" is a coping mechanism—a way to make sense of the senseless. For bereaved mothers, this can become an endless loop of self-blame and regret.
The reality is that we cannot undo the past and constantly asking “What if” can anchor us in pain and prevent us from moving forward.
The Power of “What Now”
While “What if” traps us in the past, “What now” shifts our focus to the present and future—spaces where we have influence. “What now” is a question that invites action, healing, and hope. It’s not about forgetting your child or moving on but about choosing how to carry their memory and legacy.
When you ask yourself “What now,” you begin to reclaim a sense of control in a world that feels uncontrollable. This doesn’t mean that grief disappears; it means you are making intentional choices about how to live with it.
How “What Now” Moves You Towards Hope & Healing
Finding Purpose Through Action Many grieving moms turn their pain into purpose. For example, some advocate for road safety or raise awareness about mental health, inspired by the circumstances of their child’s death. Asking “What now” can lead you to meaningful actions that honour your child’s life while contributing to a greater cause.
Focusing on Helping Yourself
“What now” is a deeply personal question. It can prompt you to reflect on your own journey:
What can I do to heal or cope better?
How can I become a better person?
How can I remember my child in ways that feel meaningful and comforting?
For some, this means self-care rituals, journaling memories, creating a tribute, or finding small ways to celebrate their child’s life daily.
Building a Legacy for Your Child
“What now” can also guide you in building a legacy for your child. This could be as simple as organizing an annual event in their memory or as ambitious as starting a foundation in their name. "What now" empowers you to decide how their story continues in the world.
Choosing “What Now”
Making the shift from “What if” to “What now” isn’t easy. It takes time, grace, and a willingness to confront the messy, painful emotions of grief. However, even the smallest steps can create ripples of change in your life.
Each “What now” moment is an opportunity to reclaim power in your grief journey. By choosing what’s within your control—whether that’s how you remember your child, how you support others, or how you take steps toward healing—you are creating a pathway for hope and resilience.
Listen to the full episode
For a deeper dive into shifting from “What if” to “What now,” listen to the full episode of The Angel Moms Podcast. In this episode, I share personal insights and practical tools to help you navigate this transformative question. Discover how to make small but meaningful changes in your grief journey. Click here to listen now.
PS: I created this FREE video series for grieving moms that answers the most common questions they have and how to cope with child loss. You can request it HERE.
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